by Sandra Beckmeier

Cats bite when they need affection. They grab with their front legs, scratch with their hind feet, take a tiny chunk of skin into their teeth. I let my cat gnaw on me. It doesn't hurt much. Sooner or later he always gives up, rolls over, and takes a nap. I've learned a lot about myself by paying attention to the needs of my cat. I feel like I've lived my life up until now through the eyes of an observer. Today I have vision and clarity. Looking back I see that pain in any form is unnecessary weight on the soul.

I wrote a story in December, maybe one of you read it. I have a lot of disgust for the mental health system, so I've been studying. I don't condemn it for the assistance it can provide, but the religion it has become. Self-discovery is part of growing up. I saw myself as a child because I was living my life through the same abusive cycles, and so I went to psychology looking for freedom. With the aid of a therapist a light was shined for me on an eating disorder -- self-punishment for a deeper yet unrealized pain. My soul began to rot so I began to pray. I studied endlessly and obsessively, recognizing through every damn book I read the control that had taken over my mind. All I wanted then was to get well, to get out of the psychological hellhole, and become human. I began to study religion because I felt like I was only talking to myself as I prayed. I'll quote the title of an old song I love that a friend of mine wrote, "love is the answer."

Maybe it's what momma stole, then stabbed into my mind. Maybe it's what daddy beat out of momma, and the scar he left when he broke my heart. Maybe it was my grandparents decision to ignore everything that made isolation seem like safety for so long. Who the hell knows why I always starved myself, feared human beings, and never saw beauty in the mirror. Now I understnad what real freedom of the mind, body, and soul are all about.

It's difficult to get through the rough spots on this journey I call life. It's rare I could go out and truly enjoy myself because I was always preoccupied and trying to make sense of things. You can call it evil, darkness, many words to describe what is essentially dissolved through the act of forgiveness. I never understood what love is all about until recently. I'm always amazed where I find love. The strangest of places. My definitions are unusual I suppose because love is big and small. I met a street hustler on 11th Street who taught me about bitterness. The knowledge he gave to me was an act of love as we shared on a walk through Africa.

One day I was driving to work and love found me, via the radio. I began to daydream for several weeks, I suppose I needed to leave the place I'd fallen into. So I left reality for a while, gave into the fear and control over remaining "sane" -- I floated in thought, and found clarity in the face as I believe. I accepted everything as it is, and gave away what didn't belong to me. Through the experience I received more than I ever imagined in return -- a sense of purpose, and a reason to believe in destiny.

I am old-fashioned, but evolving perspectives make that a contradiction. I believe in spiritual formulas for healing. The nature of any kind of mental discomfort is a cry from the soul to heal. If we ignore our needs, they consume us. If we turn our backs on our problems they become a part of us. If we let problems go on too long we create anger inside ourselves and become menaces to society. I understand how hard it is to give everything over to God, most of us at some time in our lives have been penetrated by judgement. The practice is in trusting and believing.

Psychology sterilizes love and enslaves consumers. It becomes a source of dependence. My ears have been pricked to the mental health system for years. My aunt was very ill. My parents both mentally gone. I guess it was only natural that I grew up with my own set of issues. Stretching beyond the situation in my family I see the bigger picture -- I see an instigator of violence in America. One kind of fear creates another. If I fear you, you're gonna fear me. If I feared enough I'd buy a gun. If I feared even more, I'd use it.

Violence in the mind ruins the beauty in our environments. It crushes love and understanding. It violates peace and harmony. It is a destroyer of hope. When minds have been violated by endless oppression -- whether it be spiritual, sexual, prejudicial, or judicial -- a kind of predator takes over the mind. It is in coming to terms with who we are in the present moment that makes change happen externally.

My journey worth sharing has been as a wild child -- but I can feel myself slowing down a little. It's probably just this moment. I guess I'm tired. How many of you radio children had to keep music a secret when you were young? For the sake of understanding myself and the spiritual elements of all music, not just certain flavors, I stand firmly in the understanding of what it means to be "in tune."

It should be an individual decision, yet in my opinion it is as much about personal responsibility as, say, voting is, for a person to get themself in check. For me it had to be a natural progression. It's important to me to feel like a woman, but more importantly to feel like a human being. Everybody has a road that looks different, and overcoming fear is a natural part of the climb. The question I'll pose to you, the reader, is what do you fear most in other people? Chances are you fear yourself. I'm closing a big chapter in my life, heading in a brighter direction with what is greatfully a clearer perspective for the rest. Slide down, look up, express yourself. And don't forget to give your neighbor a break.