by Shilanda Woolridge

You like someone...but what if they don't feel the same way about you? What if there's no chance in hell that they'll ever feel the same way? What do you do? Common sense would decree that you turn tail and leave that individual alone, but human nature is never that simple. Most people listen to the heart and not the head, and keep movin' forward in their pursuit of this person. That's when a tender crush metamorphoses into obsession. I know, because I've been in this position far too many times than I care to admit. It starts out innocently enough and becomes a self-inflicted tragedy of titanic proportions. I know there are some of y'all who know what I'm talking about. Can I get a witness?

A little while ago I watched a soap opera take place before my eyes. One of my friends had to shake a woman who had convinced herself that she was in love with him. Octavio* met her at an art exhibit that included a few of his pieces. Mina contained all the characteristics that a horn-dog bachelor like my bud was looking for. She's cute with voluptuous curves, intelligent, funny, a smart-ass, and much more. Octavio is a busy guy with no time for a steady. Like most artists, he values his solitary work time and his independence. So he was interested in casual dating and an occasional booty call or two. On the other hand, Mina was looking for a committed monogamous relationship with a man who would possibly become her husband and the father of her children. Within a few blissful months she was head over heels in love, he wasn't.

I feel sorry for her, yet at the same time I don't. She was told not to fall in love. She was told that any emotional investment she made would yield no return. She wasn't tricked or deceived. No promises were broken 'cuz none were ever made. She's a typical romantic. They think that if they give long enough, love hard enough, are in someone's face often enough that everything will just work out. It doesn't matter if the other doesn't really want them in return. If they hang in there long enough it will all fall into place...supposedly.

It feels good to like someone. The butterflies that rise in your stomach every time you see their face or hear their voice are as potent as an orgasm. It is fun to see something you know they will like and buy it for them. You want to cook for them, or to take them out on the town. You want to present them with tokens of your heartfelt affection, tokens that are received with little or no thanks. Little appreciation or acknowledgement is shown when you do something you didn't have to do. But many hapless lovers continue to give because it's a roundabout way of sharing who they are.

To stick the knife in your own back a little further: you call often to hear the other's voice, to imprint your presence even from a distance. You fail to notice that the other rarely, if ever, calls you. You may not allow yourself to notice the stony silence at the other end. As long as you receive a reply to your questions, or if you're lucky enough to have chosen someone who can easily hold a conversation of one while you listen, it is good enough.

Mina did all of the above, but we're partners in crime because so have I. When you've suction-cupped onto someone and aren't getting the results you desire it's easy to feel like you're a victim or are being taken advantage of. How dare this person not appreciate all that I do for them! All that indignation hides the selfish core that fuels the fire of obsession. People in this state lie to themselves through all the "nice" things that they do for the other. Obsessing over someone is an extremely narcissistic thing to do, because it's all about what you want. I like this person. I want this person. I want to be with them. I want to do (fill in the blank) with them. I want them to love me. I want to love them. I-I-I-I-I-I-me-me-me-me-me-me.

Unchecked, this indignation fuels rage that can turn itself into unhealthy emotional outbursts. At the very deep end, this kind of emotion might lead to spying or stalking or other aggressive behavior. After a few weeks of screaming matches on the phone, Octavio was beyond finished with Mina. He held on hoping that she would chill out, but a physical attack sealed the deal. I will admit, Octavio was kind of a jerk for allowing her to wine, dine, and gift him the way he did. He had a feeling that she was taking things ten times more seriously than he, but it didn't stop him from enjoying the fringe benefits until she went off on him.

Fortunately, I've never come close to this point, but I can see how it would be easy to get there. I've actually gone to the polar opposite: the blues. I've cried, sobbed, lamented, and whined to all my friends about the lack of attention or appreciation I was getting. If you're an artist, it's a useful state to be in. One of the laws of physics that I can't remember the name of states, "once energy is created it can't be destroyed, only transferred." I've experienced many a poem, song, or piece of art that was created by an artist suffering from the luv that is barely beyond the grasp of their fingertips.

Currently, I'm watching a good friend twist and gyrate in this state of romantic self delusion. He has been jonezin' for a particular girl who likes him as a friend. Yet, he still holds on to the remote possibility that she might want to date him someday. It's really sad, because he's a nice guy, but the truth is that she doesn't want him that way. He's bought her gifts, calls often, sends e-mail, and even hangs out with her from time to time. At the beginning, she wasn't really aware of how he felt so it was easy for him to try and romance her. After all his efforts, it's become very obvious how he feels yet she's still not responding. He's asked me for advice and I gently told him, "Well maybe she doesn't feel the same way you do. If I were you I'd back off." You guessed it, he hasn't.

I don't know why I bothered to tell him to back off. You really can't say anything to a person who is obsessing. Unless you're confirming something they want to hear, it goes in one ear and out the other. When I was whining to my friends about the latest object of my affection some would say "Shilanda, I don't think so and so is interested. Shilanda, so and so doesn't treat you right, why do you keep doing XYZ for them?" Nothing they said was sinking in, my head was harder than a 2-year-old's. I recognize the same symptoms in my friend, so I listen and smile when he rambles and foams at the mouth over his luv to be. At this point, I've stopped offering him advice he won't use.

If it's been a while and the sparks haven't flown, you just wake up one day and move on. It really has to happen on your own. As I said earlier, my friend is a great guy, kind, sweet, affectionate and considerate. He'd make a great boyfriend for some lucky gal. I'm confident that he'll snap out of it sooner or later, so I'll step back and give him the space he needs to do it. My friends did the same thing for me, and eventually I did.

*All names and identities have been changed to preserve the privacy of the objects of my observations.